At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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