I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
