omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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