Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
not ubering you a puppy
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
