Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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