so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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