We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
