I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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