I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
