Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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