if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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