Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
