when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
