She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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