it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
