My pussy is not your playground.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
