You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no, he came in my armpit
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
