sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
