she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
