You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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