I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
