Already got asked if we're dating
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
