the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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