I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
