Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
