i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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