i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
