Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
