I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize