Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
