dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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