Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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