Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
