someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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