im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
