Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
