HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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