So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
