it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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