No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
