fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
