Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
