I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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