seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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