We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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