I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize