I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
