Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
