apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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