Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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