Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize