btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They are going to name an STD after you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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