Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize