So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
