I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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