I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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