Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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