It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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