Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
