I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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