Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
