She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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