i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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