Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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